Peter nature

Last night, as I sat at a ministry group, we begin reading in Luke 5. Jesus asking Peter to take his boat out after a long night and no fish, Jesus asking him to put out his net, Then the words Luke 5:8 "... he fell down at  Jesus' knees, saying 'depart from me, for I am a sinner, O Lord.' " and, at that moment,  I realized once again how much like Peter I am. I had realized this one before when I had read about Peter asking Jesus to call him out onto the water and then losing faith of his safety. I so often do what Peter does and so often learn just what Peter learns each time.

I thought about these words that Peter uttered in realizing who he had been in the company of for the past few moments. No doubt Peter was tired, he had been fishing all night and had yet to catch a single fish, I am sure he remembered back to a moment in the moon light that he had done something, any little thing, that would shame him in front of the Lord and so he cried out, a surely true, but but irrelevant statement of his unclean nature. As I sat in the back of this crowded room, people worshiping around me, I realized I had pick this seat, away from everyone, because of my unclean nature. I felt unworthy of being in the same room as other believer and even more so in the same room as Jesus, whom I longed so much to be held by. I am Peter in this moment.

My "Peter nature" starts with a feeling that has come over me so often in the past few months: I, like Peter, am tired. I have failed to make my daily quota in my life and have been feeling let down and discouraged. The Lord has met me here, in my discouragement, my fish-less early morning and I sit here on my knees with my face looking away, much like Peter, telling Him to leave me that I am unworthy of the love and grace he so often offers me. It is hard in these moments of separation to hear the words of Jesus clearly, in my mind I am sure it was hard for Peter to here Jesus over the sound of the fish and the water. My sin is that water. It blurs the sound of Jesus speaking to me like he does to Peter.

 Last night I finally strained my ears to hear past the sin or maybe Jesus pulled in cloths enough to the ear of my heart for me to her, I am not to sure, but I heard him loud and clear. "Do not be afraid." He says. I can finally hear what he has been mouthing at me this whole time. "Do not be afraid." the words seem to almost utter the idea that my sin is irrelevant and I realized in that moment that I will have to drop my nets to fallow him.

I imagine Peter probably did what I try to do when the Lord says fallow me. I am sure he too tried to pick up his net. I have a big net and, like Peter before Jesus came by, I was trying to clean it myself. I think I am in the few steps I walk before I finally stop trying to carry this gunky net. I will trip some in carrying it before I realize its to big, I will fall behind a little before I realize it is to heavy to bring along, I will look silly before I realized he didn't mean we will catch people in a net like fish but instead meant we will bring them in with love and the good word. My net, it is my sin, and I will have to leave it behind to fallow Jesus. I will need to set it down soon. I hope I can manage to get untangled.

Being a Peter type isn't all bad, I think it may be easier to be a Andrew type, but I like all the learning I do as a Peter type. I learn so much in all my misunderstandings and my failure to give the trust required. I think my trust is forming, becoming stronger in all my hardships. I hope I never let my "Peter nature" end in the same way it end in the bible, I hope I never come to a point of denial of the Lord. maybe that is where my "Peter nature" will fall away. Maybe then I will find a new "Bethany nature" and wont have to fight my net anymore.                            

Coffee Zombie

I always thought I could never have discipline, a daily routine to fallow and master. My life was just to sporadic for that, but, as I paused in front of the coffee pot with the same glazed over eyes just waiting for the last drop of coffee to hit my cup, like a zombie wandering some corner street waiting for a living body, it hit me. I woke up each morning with a need, a drive for something so simply put: my cure for everything. I drink coffee when I am sad to make me feel better, I drink coffee when I have a head ache to numb the pain, and I even drink coffee when I want to spend time with people. I can so easily jump up and into the kitchen each morning with the need for caffeine and not even think twice.

Here comes a problem with this unrecognized routine, much like the zombie drooling in wait for a brain to eat, I too am neglecting all other activities in wait for my next cup of coffee. I sit in the silents of my living room just sipping at a strong cup, staring at the wall like I have no motivation to do anything else. Much like a zombie I wake up each morning with a need to be alive but instead just sit her hoping that one of the times I wake up I will finally find the key to having a routine flouting in my cup of coffee but it will never happen.

I, much like zombies and brain eating, have made coffee my life. Now, don't get me wrong I find no harm in drinking a cup and enjoying it or sitting in a group laughing in between sips but I find it so funny that I can add coffee to every aspect of my day but forget to add God at all. The bitter taste of my coffee is even more recognizable as I think of the number of times I stop for a cup of coffee in a day and how few times in a week I stop and actually spend time with God. In my relationships with people I find it simple to poor out a cup of my favorite blend of dark roast and share it with them but yet I can't find the time to poor out my heart for Christ in any one of the conversations I have with these same people. I find it so hard to wake up and read my bible for ten minutes but wait twenty just sitting with cup of coffee in my hand so I can stumble to the microwave to reheat it for the second time. It's frightening how much like a zombie I really have become.

Something in me will have to change now, I know that. I have finally realized something and with that information I will have to make an effort toward a change, a step in a better direction. I will still be picking up that cup of coffee as I slug out of the kitchen but now the one thing that will be difference between me and my cup of coffee and the zombies and there brains will be what waits for me in my seat when I get there. My bible will rest in wait for me to turn the pages and as I sit here this morning, the first real morning I try to change my discipline, I chose to be less like a zombie, I chose to open up my bible, I chose to be filled with life.