Peter nature

Last night, as I sat at a ministry group, we begin reading in Luke 5. Jesus asking Peter to take his boat out after a long night and no fish, Jesus asking him to put out his net, Then the words Luke 5:8 "... he fell down at  Jesus' knees, saying 'depart from me, for I am a sinner, O Lord.' " and, at that moment,  I realized once again how much like Peter I am. I had realized this one before when I had read about Peter asking Jesus to call him out onto the water and then losing faith of his safety. I so often do what Peter does and so often learn just what Peter learns each time.

I thought about these words that Peter uttered in realizing who he had been in the company of for the past few moments. No doubt Peter was tired, he had been fishing all night and had yet to catch a single fish, I am sure he remembered back to a moment in the moon light that he had done something, any little thing, that would shame him in front of the Lord and so he cried out, a surely true, but but irrelevant statement of his unclean nature. As I sat in the back of this crowded room, people worshiping around me, I realized I had pick this seat, away from everyone, because of my unclean nature. I felt unworthy of being in the same room as other believer and even more so in the same room as Jesus, whom I longed so much to be held by. I am Peter in this moment.

My "Peter nature" starts with a feeling that has come over me so often in the past few months: I, like Peter, am tired. I have failed to make my daily quota in my life and have been feeling let down and discouraged. The Lord has met me here, in my discouragement, my fish-less early morning and I sit here on my knees with my face looking away, much like Peter, telling Him to leave me that I am unworthy of the love and grace he so often offers me. It is hard in these moments of separation to hear the words of Jesus clearly, in my mind I am sure it was hard for Peter to here Jesus over the sound of the fish and the water. My sin is that water. It blurs the sound of Jesus speaking to me like he does to Peter.

 Last night I finally strained my ears to hear past the sin or maybe Jesus pulled in cloths enough to the ear of my heart for me to her, I am not to sure, but I heard him loud and clear. "Do not be afraid." He says. I can finally hear what he has been mouthing at me this whole time. "Do not be afraid." the words seem to almost utter the idea that my sin is irrelevant and I realized in that moment that I will have to drop my nets to fallow him.

I imagine Peter probably did what I try to do when the Lord says fallow me. I am sure he too tried to pick up his net. I have a big net and, like Peter before Jesus came by, I was trying to clean it myself. I think I am in the few steps I walk before I finally stop trying to carry this gunky net. I will trip some in carrying it before I realize its to big, I will fall behind a little before I realize it is to heavy to bring along, I will look silly before I realized he didn't mean we will catch people in a net like fish but instead meant we will bring them in with love and the good word. My net, it is my sin, and I will have to leave it behind to fallow Jesus. I will need to set it down soon. I hope I can manage to get untangled.

Being a Peter type isn't all bad, I think it may be easier to be a Andrew type, but I like all the learning I do as a Peter type. I learn so much in all my misunderstandings and my failure to give the trust required. I think my trust is forming, becoming stronger in all my hardships. I hope I never let my "Peter nature" end in the same way it end in the bible, I hope I never come to a point of denial of the Lord. maybe that is where my "Peter nature" will fall away. Maybe then I will find a new "Bethany nature" and wont have to fight my net anymore.